Are We Having Fun...Still?

Doesn't feel fun right now.

Feels more like being pregnant 8-1/2 months and just wanting to be DONE with this!

Know the next two weeks will be grueling. Bracing myself.

Enjoyed my day "off" so much. Could actually choose what I wanted to do! :)

Need to jump back in before I drift too far down this train of thought!

Here's hoping the joy returns.

That Score...

...was 92%.

Almost embarrassing.

Paid off to struggle through the tough section, figuring out as much as I could.

Guess I knew than I realized. :)

TOMORROW IS THE MID-TERM EXAM!!!

Gulp.

I'm tired of preparing for it.

Rest in...

...guilt?!

My sister and brother-in-law arrived in Chicago last week Wednesday night in order to connect with some friends and see us at the same time. Imagine my stress balancing seeing them and keeping up with the Greek.

I chose to devote Saturday to them. Feel guilty even saying that. Yet there was no way I could completely step out of the rhythm for more than that. We are now preparing for our monster mid-term exam and it would take one of four days we have to prepare. Was I anxious? Yes. But I also knew this was essential. Thus the guilt - working both ways. Guilt in not seeing them non-stop; guilt in not studying to pass the test.

So picture me at a Cubs game on Saturday (they won, by the way)! :) I had my vocab cards in my little purse, kind of as a back up epidermic if I had a heart attack. We then took them to our home, had hor d'oeuvres (sp?) and then went out to dinner. Got home at 11:30. TWELVE hours disconnected from GREEK!

It was wonderful.

My heart beat returned to normal. Food tasted fabulous.

I rejoined my study buddies Sunday afternoon and hit the material hard. Here's trusting God that in the bigger scheme of things it makes little difference.

And it really was great to rest...

...in peace.

Thou shalt not...

...swear?!

But that's what I wanted to do. A word popped uninvited to my mind last night, a word that so accurately described my reaction to that's day's quiz.

What word?

Hold on! You need to know two things first.

One: I worked my butt off understanding that chapter's verb tense, the LAST one before the big MID-TERM exam next week. I spent literally TEN HOURS studying. I took time to memorize all the irregular verbs' form in this tense. Go ahead, quiz me! I reviewed all vocab words. ALL of them. AND I could still hear the words of the prof at the end of the class: "The quiz is ON LY on chapter 25."

So imagine my horror finding 22 POINTS of this quiz reviewing ALL verb tenses!! There's just no time in a day to absorb the new topic AND review the old. You do the review BEFORE a major test. 22 points is 30% of this quiz! (75% is needed to pass)! AND I could hear the prof's last words before leaving class: "The quiz is JUST on chapter 25."

Two: the word that immediately came to mind is one I never, EVER use. I tried expunging it from Rachel's and Becca's vocab when it first became popular during their high school years. Unsuccessfully.

BUT IT FIT SO PERFECTLY!

I can't quite get it past my lips even now.

Maybe if I type it...

...just to get my frustration out...

...in very small font...

crap!

From the Depths...

...of despair.

Yep, I hit the "D" word yesterday. Felt it rising up in me during class with the lump in my throat and the need to force other neutral, pleasant thoughts into my head to control its release. I did not stay and study after classs as usual - just went straight home...

...and had a pity party.

But what was I crying about anyway? Back to the fear equation: if I can't grasp the current material, I will not be able to grasp the next material, which leads to getting behind and never catching up.

I studied hard last night - but did not study well. Too much time on important stuff but not what was essential for today. Took the quiz later than ever, at 10:45. And yes, it was hard. Too hard, which told me I have a weak grasp of it. The verb tenses are getting jumbled, the vocab is slipping. Then I had to study the new material for today and do workbook exercises... Short night.

Woke this morning and sat where I meet the Lord each morning during this saga (my "closet" is in the office which is where I study; can't meet there!). And here's the marvelous thing: I felt his grace in a powerful way. This is not Pollyanna stuff; no mental gymnastics. But pure grace. My spirits lifted - just being in his presence. Have I mentioned imaging his hand on my shoulder? That was so strong this morning! And as I sat there just worshipping him, he brought to mind some things he has "taken care of" in the last two days while I have been out of the office.

From the dephts. They have taken me to the heights.

Can you see me now?

Part of each exam is oral recitation. My first experience was pretty bad - I had trouble seeing the font, though I have 20-20 vision. Why? When I had lasik eye surgery I chose the distance to a computer monitor as my primary near vision rather than a book held in the hand. Therefore, reading a book in hand easily depends on the type of font.

The prof and I had an interesting discussion about lasik eye surgery and then got back to the exam.

So yesterday we were talking about our vocab cards and a crucial piece of info telling how to form a verb in different tenses that is at the bottom of each IN TINY FONT. Can I read them? Yes. But...

The prof, remembering our lasik surgery conversation, said directly to me, "Ruth, you may want to make yourself some 5X7 cards for each verb so you can read them easily."

FIVE by SEVEN??!! Where's my seeing eye dog?

Felt really old - which I am! I could be the mother of all in the class, and maybe the grandma of one. But this was the first time my age was indirectly referenced.

Can you see me now?! Just barely, Prof! Could you speak a little louder, too? Ah the joys of aging! Could aging be more about other's perception of you than your own?

Update on grades: the 83% on the previous exam was upgraded to 87%, a solid B - he accepted my challenges. Whoohoo! Yesterday's exam came back with an 88%. Hanging in there!

2nd lap

I was trying to describe how I felt heading into week two to an avid runner - namely Brad.

"You've hit the second lap of your one mile race. You're starting to feel oxygen debt and are slowing down."

Hmm. Definitely a change in momentum. Not as driven, more resentful of the hours this is taking. Simple pleasures I took for granted - following a weekly TV show, weeding the flower beds (well, I don't do that much either here) - now seem too costly as in time away from studying!

And I am tired. Oh so tired.

"Then you hit mile three," he went on, "and you are giving it all you have and killing yourself! You just want to be DONE!!!!"

This is what I can look forward to?!

"And then by the last lap you can see the end in sight and you draw our everything you have and sprint for the finish!"

I should have talked to a quilter.

As I promised...

...I will share the good, the bad and the ugly.

Here's the "bad" and the "ugly" (Wow, I now know those are substantival adjectives! :))

Could NOT stay awake last night to study; went to bed at NINE. Unheard of. First time before 11 in two weeks!! Promised myself that I would work really hard all day Saturday and then take the next quiz. Fearful - because I left class yesterday in a total fog over the new verb tenses. DENSE fog. Figured I would "take it apart" slowly and go over and over it until the fog lifted.

So here I was at 6 AM, raring to go.

HOWEVER, I couldn't...

...because I couldn't seem to remember ANYTHING! The simplest things had evaporated! My hard drive had been deleted. Things I had learned in the beginning (was the LOGOS and the LOGOS...oops). Everything felt jumbled. Panic set in. Fear of failure - not before others but fear of not reaching my goal. How could I do the remaining four weeks?!

Oh God, have mercy!! A real prayer, prayed from my heart. Over and over.

Then I opened the book to the beginning (I remember the Greek word for that!) and made myself do all the exercises - again. And I made myself do all the "Additional" translation work we never get to, there for the practise. And I desperately needed the practise.

And slowly, working through them, seeing a slightly quicker recognition after each hour, the panic has lifted. "I am loosed!" You should laugh there - that is the example verb we work from. :) With a better grasp on the whole two weeks, I am ready to dig into yesterday.

God is merciful. God is good.

After the bad and the ugly, comes the good. Praise God!

Hot Seat

Each day we work through Greek sentences taking them apart to translate them. More than guessing what it says by recognizing definitions of key words, it involves explaining WHY it is translated in that way.

So it was my turn. I was working hard on it - and spontaneously said to the class, "Come on, Guys, help me out here!" Our devos are on the Beatitudes so I called them BLESSED if they showed me some mercy!

And they did, in a great, light-hearted way. The prof was also prompting and encouraging me - and it was coming together.

But the prof was looking for one more significant explanation regarding one word. He kept reframing his question, hoping a light would go on. I finally said, "I don't think you can pull it out of me!"

Since the class was in on this and they, too, were not providing the correct answer, he finally gave it. Then he said, "I'm sorry to have kept you on the hot seat so long..."

Here's the cool thing: it never felt like a hot seat. I did not feel embarrassed as I slowly worked my way through it nor pressured by my peers (AM I their peer!). Instead it evolved into a really fun experience that pulled us all together. The laughter was so refreshing.

It can be cool to be on the hot seat! Hope I feel the same way the next time.

I'll take it!

83%! I'll take it!!!!! :)

That was draining - mentally and physically. Hard to walk out knowing you could not answer a question you were expected to answer. Had I studied too little? No. Had I studied incorrectly? Maybe. There are things I would do differently if I could magically start over! I now know those things I thought I could just read as interesting were things to understand and memorize. I will never look at a footnote in the same way again! Add that to the brething marks.

Walking home was cathartic. Just reflecting on the first 8 days. In awe of all I had learned; very fearful that I could survive 22 more days of drinking from a fire hose. And how do I KEEP all I have "drunk"??

Took a nap - and two aspirin.

Then it was jump back in, study the two chapters introducing verbs that were introduced yesterday right after the test (there should be some law requring a 24-hour time lapse between a major test and having to learn something new!), study/memorize it last night, take a quiz on it, read the two chapters that will be discussed today, do workbook exercises for the new chapters and then finally...

...sleep. Blessed restorative sleep. Blessed is one of our new vocab words. My favorite! I'll take it!

Stick!

Studied for hours for EXAM #2 - and finidng that little is sticking. I think I have something memorized - then come back to it and it is gone. Yikes!

Am praying for a calm spirit.

More later.

Cheers and Tears

Haven't had a window to write, so here's the update...

First - the test!

I got an A-!!!! WHOHOO! When I saw it, I sucked the air out of the room. (I should add that I found out Saturday when my study buddies said the grades were posted on line. DUH. BEFORE computers, we had to wait until the next class period to learn our grades! Felt like a dinosaur.)

Cheers indeed! I'm already doing the math: one more test, a midterm and a final. With one score an A-, there's a good chance I could actually pass Greek!!!!!!!

Now for the Tears. Like "The Ten Minute Celebration" we pressed on - to relative pronouns. I sat in my secret zone almost as an observer, appearing to be following the lecture - what the heck is he talking about???! The other pronouns were somewhat comprehensible but would require a TON of memorization AFTER thoroughly understanding their usage, but the relatives!

During the last 20 minutes it started coming into focus - and the next step was to prepare to be tested on it. Everyone filed out. Everyone but me, that is. I have started taking a lunch and simply staying in the classroom, utilizing its huge white boards and writing declensions over and over. My heart rate was already elevated.

Then my first study buddy told me she would be studying with another student, a very good decision since he was really on top of it and could actually explain things to her. Maybe it was the reminder of my own tenuous grasp on the class that hit my Achilles. The truth isn't always pain free. One student has already dropped out, which now puts me at the bottom or next to the bottom amongst the 8 whizzes. How come NONE of them are groaning and struggling??! If I got an A-, there were a LOT of A+!

The proverbial straw hit when my computer wouldn't boot up. Stress over the new material and the reality of needing to master EVERY new material AND all the vocab in order to continue, loss of my study buddy and stress over a stupid computer put me over the edge...

...and at the end of Day 6 I experienced my first tears.

And I also experienced my Kurios' (Lord's) marvelous grace, "grace so abundant and free"!

1. My computer was fixed and back within an hour. I had little hope when I went to Computer Services: no one would be there, there would be an endless line of others ahead of me, no one would have time to help me, and the fee would be ridiculous. Instead, one person was there, not another needy person in sight, she was eager to help - and it was free. :)

2. My other study buddy continues to want to meet with me. Her help yesterday was invaluable.

3. I took my quiz on the pronouns late last night - and I am pretty sure I passed. :)

Today we do nothing but prepare for the second major test.

Not exactly cheers - but then no tears either.

PS To the one asking if I had a Sabbath - yes! However, I had agreed PREGreek to do a dramatization of a passage in Acts 5 in costume for the services' scripture reading and the added memorization was some added stress, but it went well and I enjoyed doing it. Best part of the day was a great two hour nap! :)

The Ten Minutes Celebration

We slid in according to our comfort level. The most fearful arrived early, glancing through their pile of notes, scanning 74 textbook pages, pacing and mouthing words while rifling through the vocabulary cards. The most confident arrived with their Starbucks cup and just sat down and waited.

At 8:30 sharp we were converged into one tense group ready to start our first full exam. My study buddy did not have a lexicon, which we were to bring for the translation section. Because I had offered to share mine, she asked the prof if that was OK. He didn't think so. Silence. She, like me, was one who would feel better having the lexicon - and the prof knew it.

Then another student suggested he go home - which was very near - and get an extra he had.

Silence.

"Yeh, do that." WOW! What grace. While rejoicing that she would have a lexicon to use (I wonder if she knew how to use it any better than I did), I wondered if the time spent to get it was going to come from our precious 75 minute total. So selfless...

Then the test was in front of me...

...and things looked familiar! In fact, I was feeling rather good about how it was going. I had learned something!! I checked and rechecked for breathing marks - if I missed one, it would be maddening!

We all finished before 10:15. What a relief to turn it in! The first major test! It was over! What an achievement! Let's celebrate!! How about taking the rest of the day off?!

It was 10:25 when we reconvened - and we spent the next TWO HOURS jumping into another "biggie" in learning Greek! No pause, no reflection, no swapping comments on how you did - just pushing right on! I tried to think of an appropriate analogy. Yeah! You finished the half mile swim AND the 100 mile bike race - here's your running shoes - start your marathon! Rather lame analogy...

Just ten minutes between all the effort put into preparing and taking your first exam and starting the next section of the race.

But the clock is ticking! Nine chapters down, 26 more to go! The next exam is Wednesday - on FIVE more chapters! Please, prof, start the lecture!!

I left at 12:30 PM, so incredibly exhausted and yet fearful of taking time to rest. More on that later. I dread Monday and learning my exam score. Did I do something really stupid again? Will I do the "yeh, but..." self-justification thing? No time to celebrate - and no reason to?

Rough Breathing...

..., not to be confused with heavy breathing, though rough breathing created heavy breathing for me yesterday and dominated Day 4.

In Greek, words beginning with vowels or the "r" sound MUST have one of two breathing marks over them - and there is a host of rules re exceptions and placement. Failure to add the breathing mark is equivalent to misspelling the word.

Which I learned the hard way.

On yesterday's quiz I failed to put the CORRECT breathing mark on ONE word which I had to "decline", meaning it was written in four cases - singular and plural (that's 8); masculine, feminine, and neuter (times 3). 24 times I wrote ONE word - and misspelled it every time because the breathing mark was pointing the WRONG WAY. ONE WORD, but 24 errors, each a half point.

The prof really wanted to be lenient but held his ground. Which was right.

Which meant a loss of 12 points on a 76 point test. Or 15%. Are you enjoying the math?

I calculated my overall score and got 82% and felt rather good about that. A 59 year old lady was hanging in there!!

Until I looked at it again in the afternoon - and realized I had made a HUGE error in calculating my score. I only had 68%!!!

Here is the disgusting part: I do not see myself as a 68% student. This was a blow to my ego - and to my self-confidence. It took me THREE HOURS to get my head back on straight and go over the math above. IF I had paid attention to just that ONE DETAIL I would have the 82%. Different than saying there was 15% of the test I just did not understand.

SO! First thing up today is telling the prof to readjust my quiz score. Second thing up is to take our first test. Yep, today I will learn just what I have learned. Studied until midnight, got up at 5, can't do any more.

Here's hoping and praying I will not be doing any rough breathing at the end...

A New Normal...

Prof: "Anyone feeling overwhelmed, like your nose is just above water?" (Like did the sun rise this morning?)

Groans and raised hands.

Prof: "That's normal - AND IT WON'T GET ANY BETTER!"

25 more days of feeling like I"m drowning. How encouraging. :)

HOWEVER! We graded our first quiz in class and when several students freaked out that they had missed a key piece of instruction regarding one section, the prof graciously allowed a modification - AND THAT WAS THE VERY SECTION I HAD FROZEN ON. With that modification, I came out far better than I deserved: 90 out of 93! There is a God in heaven...

It has given me a mental boost I needed. And staying up so late the night before to prepare for yesterday's lesson also helped tremendously: I could follow the lecture with far fewer frown lines!

After class it was back to the library, camping out in this fabulous room on the top floor that has very high ceilings with a huge wire dove hanging down, windows on three sides, a white board (did you know you can use a marker on windows and ti wipes off??). We pace, we write, we recite together, we lay out all the vocabulary cards, organizing in groups for retention, test each other, etc. My study buddy passed her test and is starting to have hope that she will make it through. Love encouraging her and making her laugh (ameritas = day: it's a ameri-cle we have a new day to study Greek!). We studied from 1 to 5:15 yesterday and it was good for both of us.

I didn't get to the quiz until 9 PM last night and it, too, took me way too long. Oddly, there was no temptation to peek this time. Did I conquer that demon?? Who are we kidding?

Got to bed early last night: 11:15 PM. If you know me at all, that is a joke!! I am a morning person, up at 5:30 AM and down by 10 PM. Once again I couldn't sleep, but this time I got up to take a sleep aid. And here's a sweet thing: woke up at 5:25 AM, just when the automatic coffee maker kicked in, and didn't miss any of my quiet time. Just might be a little gift from the One who wants me to keep my time with him during this ordeal, I mean privilege.

Yesterday, with so little sleep I came well prepared to class: No Doz and Tylenol. :) But I didn't use either. Feeling better as I head off for Day 4, with my nose still just above water - as normal...

Tempting, oh so tempting...

Two down, 28 days to go. There were serious temptings yesterday...

First, there were tears - not mine, however, though seeing the other student's tempted me to lose it, too. How could one retain so many details in just two days?? Is the human brain capable of this? We were taking apart Greek sentences (that's parsing, right?) by noon yesterday. To do so, of course, meant that everything that passed through the hearing system of the body in the last 48 hours had somehow managed to stick and would flow back out in instant recognition when taking Day's Two's quiz.

Are you wondering if I passed the quiz for Day One? The one for which I knew just about every answer? It wasn't collected. Bummer. Who knows, that could have been the tipping point between passing and failing.

Second, there was tension with how to study, where and with whom? Three of us are hanging out in a cool meeting room in the library where we can speak (and rant and rave) while forcing our brains to wrap around new shapes, sounds, constructs, minute details to the nth degree. Memorize, memorize, memorize! But we are at different places of needs already. Do we find a common point of connection? Or given the demands of time, push forward with what you each needs, connecting occasionally? One was fighting serious doubts - thus the tears. Do I modify my goal to get her through? Tempting to forge ahead, but... Maybe the priest and Levite were in Intensive Greek and stopping to help the beaten man would mean flunking their class!

We all helped each other memorize - and then it seemed we naturally drifted to the area of importance for each. No study buddy last night. I knew I had to keep trying to stay in the rhythm of class, study day's material, take quiz on day's material, study for next day's materials, class...

Third, the quiz! Oh my gosh!! Wake up call! The first one took about 35 minutes; this one took ME (need to add that) about three hours! Why? What I thought I had memorized evaporated. It hadn't stuck; well, a lot of it. Basic, basic stuff that I had spewed out of my mouth as mastered escaped. Nerves? Hmm, I think it was more a good jolt to determine asap if I am a verbal or visual learner or both. I thought verbal. Today I will try a different approach.

So picture me alone, in our office at home, with the test in front of me - and that sinking feeling that I should know everything on this and yet it was hiding in some corner of my brain. Come out, come out, ___ words! And the answers were on a chart just immediately to my left. Who would know if I looked or didn't look? Oh, so tempting!! I wanted so badly to pass this first serious quiz! 51% would be just fine!

So did I?

No. Sigh. I'll eat the consequences.

Lastly, though it was 9:30 PM when I finished - there was a lot of staring into space, thinking, "I can't believe this! I JUST memorized this!" - and feeling wiped out from starting the day at 5:30 AM, I knew I absolutely had to study the next day's materials AND do the workbook exercises. Tempting to just call it a day, a very LONG day, and give into all the body's pull to bed.

But I started back in. The prof had warned us that Day Two and Day Three had the most heavy content and then it lightened up (yeh, right; INTENSIVE, remember?). So after learning all the noun case endings, a ton of vocabulary, which was which and why ("I'M GOING TO ASK YOU THE FUNCTION!") I started in on prepositions and adjectives. Each is worth a WEEK of classes in regular Greek!

Managed to get through two chapters of workbook exercises (well, left the last two questions) and dropped in bed at midnight.

But then I couldn't sleep...AUGH!

LOTS of praying going on...

Pass the coffee.

This is how Day 1 went:

Nine students; ONE other MIGHT be over 50. Wide away of academic goals and backgrounds.

Professor introduced himself, as well. After taking undergrad Greek for a whole year, he hoped to test out of taking it on the graduate level - but he flunked! This is encouraging - I think.

The professor then began with a devotional: "Find 1 Corinthians 15:58 in your Greek Bible." Hmm! Only because I had memorized the alphabet over the weekend was I able to find it! Great devotional for us: stand firm, do not be moved; your work is not in vain - all using the Greek Bible. Inspiring!

Somewhere he mentioned "the email I sent you..." (Email?! What email?!) "...to become familiar with the first nine chapters." (NINE chapters??) All was going well as he went through material on the first four chapters, told us about taking a quiz sometime before coming the next day (gulp), and then had us read aloud. The first guy read it a Mac2 speed. EVERYONE was reading really well - until it was my turn. I said, "This will be SO encouraging to the rest of you..." So with just knowing the sounds of each letter - never mind diphthongs, accents, breathing marks, syllabication (yeh, I now know something about each of those!) I bumbled along. :) He was so kind... :)

I asked him about the email I never got after the four hour class. It was sent to my new North Park email. Never entered my mind to be checking it; hardly remembered I HAD one. But I WILL NEVER FORGET AGAIN! :)

Then it was home for a fast bit to eat and back to the library to work with Lizzie (who will be here in 7 minutes). Lizzie is from Scotland, is a roommate of Sarah Robinson who is staying with us these six weeks while she takes the Hebrew course. She immediately asked me to be her study partner (PRAISE GOD!!) and we studied for FOUR HOURS this afternoon. When we were done, we both separated and took the quiz. I don't know when we get the results but pretty sure I passed.

Now we start studying for TOMORROW's lesson - and continue this rhythm for the next six weeks: study what you just learned, take a daily quiz on it, study what you will learn the next day; go to class to learn that day's material, study what you jsut learned, take that day's quiz...

How fragile this is! Get sick one day - and you're a gonner! How would you EVER catch up??

Gotta go, Lizzie's here...

In the beginning...

...was the Word. Word - Logos, right?!

Tomorrow I begin the six-week Intensive Greek course at North Park Theological Seminary in Chicago. Couldn't they have used a different word than "intensive"? The course write-up recommends not taking any other course at the same time, not working--not even part time, not doing ANYTHING but living and breathing Greek.

With completion of another five years serving as Executive Minister of Women Ministries for the Evangelical Covenant Church, my Board has granted me a second sabbatical. Studying Greek has been something I've always wanted to do. No thoughts of getting an MDiv (actually also looking at a Masters in Social Justice); just want to get deeper into the Word; hoping it will also deepen my preaching.

However, I have avoided telling people that I, a 59 year old woman, am using my sabbatical in this way. The response is predictable: hilarious laughter or looks of deep pity, the latter from those who have taken it or been married to someone who took it. A friend who learned of my plan to take a course at the seminary, asked which one. I said, "Promise you won't laugh?" He seriously replied, "Of course." "Me: "Greek." Him: 'HA HA HA HA HA HA! (pause) Are you serious?"

So here I am, poised to launch into a whole new world. Will I pass? Will I finish?! I know there are going to be some really difficult times ahead, no doubt some tears, maybe a tantrum to two (poor Brad), serious rethinking, temptations to quit, maybe swapping last three weeks for a visit to the grandkids...

And maybe, just maybe it will go OK! I memorized the alphabet yesterday and looked ahead at an exercise - and could read the simple words!! Cool!

Check in and follow the saga. I'll try to be totally honest with how I am feeling and doing.